Like the Hollywood movie, How to lose a guy in 10 days, here is a take on how to lose your job in 10 days. There is also a long term plan in each case. What if you don’t wish to lose your job? Then figure out if you are applying any of these job-losing tactics unconsciously. Stop what you are doing and undo the damage by learning an alternate set of behaviours.
- Day 1 Show up late
Turn up late for work. Repeat daily. This works even better if you have just joined your new job. Reach late for team discussions since you believe nothing gets done in the first 30 minutes. As a long-term tactic, make a habit of missing deadlines and staying absent from meetings. Keep people waiting where possible and make their work suffer.
- Day 2 Bad dress day
Did you party a little too hard last night? Let everyone know by showing up at work hung over and with a reluctant attitude. Or arrive unkempt, still dressed in what you wore to bed. Fail to find time for a shower on weekdays. That’s what weekends are for. In the long term, apart from poor personal hygiene and being a eyesore, also ignore both stated and unspoken office etiquette, thus making people uncomfortable.
- Day 3 Not my problem
Learn your job description inside out and stick to it meticulously. Refuse to do anything that was not specified earlier. Take no responsibility and offer no help if people ask for it. For an extended strategy, do not volunteer for extra projects and stay away from initiative and leadership. Be the kind of employee who barely gets a ‘Meets Expectations’ rating every year.
- Day 4 Gossip master
Start your day by speaking ill about someone you interacted with yesterday. Share any secrets and personal details you may have learnt about a colleague. Aim to master the art of office gossip and negativity over time. In the long term, experiment with false stories that attract attention. Lack of integrity works very well when you are seeking to get fired.
- Day 5 Conserve energy
Indulge in an ‘energy conservation day’ and avoid work altogether. Preferably call in sick day at office and head out to the mall to unwind. If you are at the office, take time to catch up with friends and family over the phone. In the long term, make sure you exhaust all your leave and use office time for personal work. Never double check your work, and ensure that your colleagues are surprised when you actually meet a deadline.
- Day 6 Don’t speak
Silence is golden and today you will not speak. Ignore everyone because you are superior, or shy, or because no one is worth talking to. In the long term, keep to yourself and never get involved in any discussion. Shy away from professional conflict and connecting or bonding with colleagues. Never own up to your mistakes or apologise. Also, don’t step forward to claim credit for your work. Surprisingly, staying invisible at work does not protect you. It gets you fired for being irrelevant.
- Day 7 Say it all
Today is the day to speak without any filter. Complain to everyone about everything that is wrong with the office and your job. Take time to speak to the HR about the exit policy and how much money you will receive if you quit. For an extended impact, hog the spotlight and take credit for everyone else’s work while pointing out their shortcomings in public.
- Day 8 Don’t listen
Make work simple today by refusing to listen to everyone. Keep to yourself, walk away when someone is speaking and ignore all directions, suggestions and queries. In the long term, stop learning new stuff on the job. Refuse to change and claim, “It’s always been done this way”. You should soon find yourself making way for a replacement.
- Day 9 Go Social
Spend time with your cell phone today. Invest all your hours in Instagram, Snapchat and WhatsApp. Make sure the world knows what you are doing every moment. Over time your employer will know that you are always available online through your social media accounts. So why bother calling you to the office?
- Day 10 Boss around
If you haven’t been fired yet, here’s your instant fix for today. Abuse your boss in public and end it all with a slap. Don’t forget to pick up your bag while security escorts you outside. For a slower strategy, having an intimate personal relationship with your boss works the same way. The resentment of colleagues and senior managers to perceived favouritism and improper behaviour will cost you the job and a messy break-up will follow.